Seriously. I went today, and I can't believe that it was only one Sunday that I missed. I feel like I haven't been in ages. It felt really good to be there again.
I still want to take my time and really make sure that this is a move that I want to make, but it's really nice to feel that it's right, even if it's not happening right now. I hope that makes sense.
I talked to the missionaries today about holding off on the baptism for a while, but I think when I meet with them on Tuesday I'm going to have to be a little more insistent. At the end of the conversation there was again a date thrown out, and this date is two weeks away. Not the kind of time that I think I'm going to need. I need to somehow assure them that this is not in any way blowing them off. I just really don't want to make the kind of mistake here that I have in the past.
Elder Buhler keeps mentioning that if they don't believe that I'm ready, they aren't going to let me get baptized. The problem for me personally though, is that I've been very convinced of big changes that I wanted to make in my life before, and only realized later, when the honeymoon period wore off, that I was neglecting some aspect that made the change not exactly the best thing for me. Things like moving to Iowa. If I had been a little smarter going into that, I may not have come back so soon. Or maybe I wouldn't have gone at all. I don't really know, but I don't think that the frustration and anger that resulted from that move would have been there if I'd gone into the decision with my eyes a bit more open and paying attention to all the details.
Elder Buhler has also said that they have no doubt that I could be ready in such a short time, given our discussions so far and my church attendance, which made me feel about as good as my final grades this semester. (Maybe my brain does work better than I thought it did.) I like that they have faith in me, I hope that they will trust that taking the time is the right thing for me to do.
When I talk to my mother about this, I want to be clear in why I am doing this and leave her free of doubt. I don't know that I'll be able to do that right now. My brother was baptized a couple years ago into his then girlfriend's non-denominational church. I didn't understand it. And to be honest, for Scott, I still don't. But I think part of that is the way that he went about it. He just kind of announced it one day. When I decide that I'm sure, I want to invite my family and have them support me through this new aspect of my life. I understand why my mom has recently brought up my doubts with Scott's baptism, but I truly see a difference in the ways that he and I have chosen to approach this, which to me suggests that there may be very different motivations behind it as well. I don't mean that to discredit my brother exactly, he and I are very different people, but for the most part, before his baptism I could understand his motivations even if they did not coincide with my own.
I may have strayed from my initial message from this post.
Even though I have had doubts and want to take a step back to really be sure, church feels good and I'm really glad I went today.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Elaboration
My last post has been sticking with me a little bit.
I want to be clear with it that I'm still investigating, and I still intend to make some of the changes that I've recently adopted permanent aspects of my life. I'm just not so sure that baptism is the best road for me right now.
That doesn't mean that it won't be in the future. I hope to get to discuss this soon with some people I trust very much, one of whom I think will have a better perspective on all of this than anyone else I've talked to about it.
Life just wouldn't be life without a little bit of drama and hesitation, right?
I want to be clear with it that I'm still investigating, and I still intend to make some of the changes that I've recently adopted permanent aspects of my life. I'm just not so sure that baptism is the best road for me right now.
That doesn't mean that it won't be in the future. I hope to get to discuss this soon with some people I trust very much, one of whom I think will have a better perspective on all of this than anyone else I've talked to about it.
Life just wouldn't be life without a little bit of drama and hesitation, right?
Monday, May 25, 2009
Unsure
I didn't go to church today.
I had every intention of going, and even woke up when I was supposed to after getting home way too late the previous night. My throat felt like death when I woke up, probably from scream/talking over loud music for two nights in a row, but it didn't feel like that was the cause while laying in bed.
I got a call from Elder Buhler at 9:30 (why was he not in sacrament meeting?) wondering where I was, and I think he could tell by my voice that I was not just weaseling out of an early Sunday morning. I got a voicemail later asking when a good time to meet this week would be, and I think I'll find out my work schedule tomorrow and call them back.
Even while wanting to meet with the missionaries again, I'm starting to have bigger doubts about joining the church than I have before.
I will fully admit that one big draw of the church is the community and the feeling of being part of something. I'm starting to get that feeling in another aspect of my life though, and I'm loving the feeling. This other aspect is the dancing community of Sacramento. I feel very accepted into the group now that I'm getting invites to parties and the lesser known dance venues, and I'm making some pretty awesome friends in the process.
Just as I was typing that I realized that it's probably not any sort of coincidence that I'm feeling this sense of community outside of the church while investigating though. I started attending both swing dancing and church within just a week of each other, so I shouldn't be surprised that while I'm looking for a community to help support me I was brought to two pretty different ones.
Now that I've realized the timing with this sense of belonging, maybe I shouldn't be having these doubts.
I'm still going to take my time with investigating, because should I take that step, it's not one that I would ever want to try to take back. Kind of like marriage.
Feeling the acceptance of the Midtown Stomp crowd is actually a bit liberating in my involvement in the church. Like the need to be a part of that community isn't so great. So now I can participate in the church community as I want to, not as I feel I may need to, and focus more on the faith.
That's what this is supposed to be about, right?
I had every intention of going, and even woke up when I was supposed to after getting home way too late the previous night. My throat felt like death when I woke up, probably from scream/talking over loud music for two nights in a row, but it didn't feel like that was the cause while laying in bed.
I got a call from Elder Buhler at 9:30 (why was he not in sacrament meeting?) wondering where I was, and I think he could tell by my voice that I was not just weaseling out of an early Sunday morning. I got a voicemail later asking when a good time to meet this week would be, and I think I'll find out my work schedule tomorrow and call them back.
Even while wanting to meet with the missionaries again, I'm starting to have bigger doubts about joining the church than I have before.
I will fully admit that one big draw of the church is the community and the feeling of being part of something. I'm starting to get that feeling in another aspect of my life though, and I'm loving the feeling. This other aspect is the dancing community of Sacramento. I feel very accepted into the group now that I'm getting invites to parties and the lesser known dance venues, and I'm making some pretty awesome friends in the process.
Just as I was typing that I realized that it's probably not any sort of coincidence that I'm feeling this sense of community outside of the church while investigating though. I started attending both swing dancing and church within just a week of each other, so I shouldn't be surprised that while I'm looking for a community to help support me I was brought to two pretty different ones.
Now that I've realized the timing with this sense of belonging, maybe I shouldn't be having these doubts.
I'm still going to take my time with investigating, because should I take that step, it's not one that I would ever want to try to take back. Kind of like marriage.
Feeling the acceptance of the Midtown Stomp crowd is actually a bit liberating in my involvement in the church. Like the need to be a part of that community isn't so great. So now I can participate in the church community as I want to, not as I feel I may need to, and focus more on the faith.
That's what this is supposed to be about, right?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Ring Time!
No, not that kind of ring, though today after Relief Society someone did slip up when asking if I was going to be baptized and asked if I was getting married. After my breathing returned to normal I was able to relatively avoid her actual question. (Just not ready to really wrap my mind around that yet.)
I've been looking for a ring though. Something that for me would be the equivalent of a CTR ring, without actually being a CTR ring. I applaud those who wear something CTR and display it proudly, but for something like that I'd rather be a little more selective over the people who know what it means.
I really like handmade stuff, so I've been looking through Etsy for something simple. I'd like something that will go with everything, and that is relatively simple, though there are a few that I've been looking at that are more in the "fun" category than "simple."
I'm looking forward to picking my favorite, and then purchasing it with my paycheck next week!
I finally got a real question from the missionaries about getting baptized tonight. I'm really not ready to go there right now. It's not just school, I've got a lot going on in my head that I'm trying to sort out and I'm not sure that I want to really go into something like getting baptized while not entirely sure of some things.
Elder Buhler asked tonight if I'd felt The Spirit during the cottage meeting I attended, and I definitely did. He then spoke about how that feeling is really kind of the clincher in figuring things out. I'm not sure that I fully agree though. I definitely feel The Spirit at times, but that doesn't really mean that I'm so sure of this being the right path for me. Or even that I'm totally sure that The Book of Mormon is Another Testament of Jesus Christ.
Right now I think that those things are true, but I'm not yet at a point that I know or fully believe that they are. So I want to take more time with this. Especially since I haven't even really told my family about my plans. I know that I'll be facing some level of opposition there, and I need to handle that before being ready.
I also have a few certain friends whom I would like to be there if I do decide to get baptized, and I don't know if that's really a realistic thing to want. So I need to have a better understanding of what this all means to me without the friends involved before I cross that line.
This was supposed to be a lot more up-beat than I feel it has turned out! So just focus on the pretty rings!
I've been looking for a ring though. Something that for me would be the equivalent of a CTR ring, without actually being a CTR ring. I applaud those who wear something CTR and display it proudly, but for something like that I'd rather be a little more selective over the people who know what it means.
I really like handmade stuff, so I've been looking through Etsy for something simple. I'd like something that will go with everything, and that is relatively simple, though there are a few that I've been looking at that are more in the "fun" category than "simple."
I'm looking forward to picking my favorite, and then purchasing it with my paycheck next week!
I finally got a real question from the missionaries about getting baptized tonight. I'm really not ready to go there right now. It's not just school, I've got a lot going on in my head that I'm trying to sort out and I'm not sure that I want to really go into something like getting baptized while not entirely sure of some things.
Elder Buhler asked tonight if I'd felt The Spirit during the cottage meeting I attended, and I definitely did. He then spoke about how that feeling is really kind of the clincher in figuring things out. I'm not sure that I fully agree though. I definitely feel The Spirit at times, but that doesn't really mean that I'm so sure of this being the right path for me. Or even that I'm totally sure that The Book of Mormon is Another Testament of Jesus Christ.
Right now I think that those things are true, but I'm not yet at a point that I know or fully believe that they are. So I want to take more time with this. Especially since I haven't even really told my family about my plans. I know that I'll be facing some level of opposition there, and I need to handle that before being ready.
I also have a few certain friends whom I would like to be there if I do decide to get baptized, and I don't know if that's really a realistic thing to want. So I need to have a better understanding of what this all means to me without the friends involved before I cross that line.
This was supposed to be a lot more up-beat than I feel it has turned out! So just focus on the pretty rings!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Separation does not discredit either side
Today I received an email from my sister-in-law that I feel compelled to share.
Let's go POSTAL!!!!
Payback is fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WRITE IT ON THE BACK OF YOUR ENVELOPES
Or front
WE THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA. WE'LL START WRITING IT ON THE
FRONT OF OUR ENVELOPES, TOO ! ----------Including Bills
You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say
'IN GOD WE TRUST ,'
The law, they say, is being violated.
Anyway, we heard proposed on a radio station show, that we should all write
' IN GOD WE TRUST'
On the back of all our mail.
After all, that's our National Motto, and -----
All the money we use to buy stamps.
We think it's a wonderful idea.
We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed.
If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping.........
'IN GOD WE TRUST '
On our envelopes sounds good to us ..
SOME PEOPLE ARE HAVING A STAMP MADE TOO ........
Lets use it as our signature on e-mails, too!
It's been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, we have a very hard time understanding why there's such a mess about having '
In God We Trust!'
On our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance.
Could it be that WE just need to take action and tell the 14% to 'sit down and shut up'?
If you agree, pass this on, if not, delete!!!
BUT REMEMBER IF YOU DELETE THIS,
that's one reason why this world is in the mess we're in now.
WE SIT BACK & LET IT HAPPEN!!
IN GOD WE TRUST
I'm not a fan of these types of messages. I'll stay away from the flawed arguments, though there are several. My belief in God has nothing to do with seeing the message on cash and posters in the post office. Actually, I could kind of get behind the idea that not seeing the words everywhere is better for my faith because I have to rely on myself for it.
I understand that it's a little ridiculous for non-believers to care if they have to see these types of posters, but the fact is that it does bother them. I want to keep my right to go against things that bother me, so why should I have a problem with others doing the same thing?
That said, if this is the type of thing that actually inspires my sister-in-law to take action and participate in things that she feels strongly about, then I hope that she does actually write "In God We Trust" on the envelopes she sends. Sadly though, I think forwarding this message will be the most that she, and most people who have sent it, will do as far as taking action.
Just like this post is all I will do!
**Side note, I actually looked up a bit on the separation of church and state, and was very happy with something that I found, and will probably write more about it after my 6 papers due this week are done!
Payback is fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WRITE IT ON THE BACK OF YOUR ENVELOPES
Or front
WE THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA. WE'LL START WRITING IT ON THE
FRONT OF OUR ENVELOPES, TOO ! ----------Including Bills
You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say
'IN GOD WE TRUST ,'
The law, they say, is being violated.
Anyway, we heard proposed on a radio station show, that we should all write
' IN GOD WE TRUST'
On the back of all our mail.
After all, that's our National Motto, and -----
All the money we use to buy stamps.
We think it's a wonderful idea.
We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed.
If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping.........
'IN GOD WE TRUST '
On our envelopes sounds good to us ..
SOME PEOPLE ARE HAVING A STAMP MADE TOO ........
Lets use it as our signature on e-mails, too!
It's been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, we have a very hard time understanding why there's such a mess about having '
In God We Trust!'
On our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance.
Could it be that WE just need to take action and tell the 14% to 'sit down and shut up'?
If you agree, pass this on, if not, delete!!!
BUT REMEMBER IF YOU DELETE THIS,
that's one reason why this world is in the mess we're in now.
WE SIT BACK & LET IT HAPPEN!!
IN GOD WE TRUST
I'm not a fan of these types of messages. I'll stay away from the flawed arguments, though there are several. My belief in God has nothing to do with seeing the message on cash and posters in the post office. Actually, I could kind of get behind the idea that not seeing the words everywhere is better for my faith because I have to rely on myself for it.
I understand that it's a little ridiculous for non-believers to care if they have to see these types of posters, but the fact is that it does bother them. I want to keep my right to go against things that bother me, so why should I have a problem with others doing the same thing?
That said, if this is the type of thing that actually inspires my sister-in-law to take action and participate in things that she feels strongly about, then I hope that she does actually write "In God We Trust" on the envelopes she sends. Sadly though, I think forwarding this message will be the most that she, and most people who have sent it, will do as far as taking action.
Just like this post is all I will do!
**Side note, I actually looked up a bit on the separation of church and state, and was very happy with something that I found, and will probably write more about it after my 6 papers due this week are done!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Delightfully Flawed
One thing that has always struck me about members of the LDS church is what great examples and role models they are. Some of the people I most looked up to and was intimidated by in high school, including one I always wanted to date but I was definitely not good enough for him then, are members. I think that the image of members being better people is a common view among non-members, though sometimes it is seen as a note of arrogance held by the member. Adhering to a set of values that is relatively public is a difficult thing to do. When someone who doesn’t follow the same path sees a slip, they may relish in this small way to knock someone off of a pedestal, no matter who put them there.
In getting to know more members during the past month, I’ve really enjoyed having the intimidation scaled back a little. I still believe that as a whole, church members are some of the most amazing people to walk this earth. I mean, with great examples like Nicole and Bre (old post, but I really love the picture of Bre) how could anyone not be impressed? One thing that I’ve noticed though, is how delightfully imperfect a lot of members are as well.
From wonderfully cluttered homes to often being late or going over on time, it’s so amazing to see the exceptions within their perfection.
I don’t mean that to be negative in any way, I see it as far more than a positive actually. These qualities take away the intimidation, but still leave the awe. Being amazed, but no longer intimidated makes me feel like I could actually do this as well. Before I’d thought that even if I were a member for years and no longer felt like an outsider, I would never be able to shake the feeling of inequity. (I tend to feel it in most aspects of my life, at least I have before.) I’m only 4 weeks into investigating the church now though, and I already feel as though I’m being included and part of the ward. The delightful flaws that I’ve seen in some members when allowed a closer look into their lives allows me to realize that maybe the flaws I know that I have aren’t sitting there on the surface for everyone else to see.
That’s an amazingly comforting thought in that I might be able to mend the broken aspects of myself behind the scenes, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. Remembering this has allowed me to remember to have faith not only in Our Heavenly Father, but in myself as well. Definitely something that is a huge asset going into finals.
In getting to know more members during the past month, I’ve really enjoyed having the intimidation scaled back a little. I still believe that as a whole, church members are some of the most amazing people to walk this earth. I mean, with great examples like Nicole and Bre (old post, but I really love the picture of Bre) how could anyone not be impressed? One thing that I’ve noticed though, is how delightfully imperfect a lot of members are as well.
From wonderfully cluttered homes to often being late or going over on time, it’s so amazing to see the exceptions within their perfection.
I don’t mean that to be negative in any way, I see it as far more than a positive actually. These qualities take away the intimidation, but still leave the awe. Being amazed, but no longer intimidated makes me feel like I could actually do this as well. Before I’d thought that even if I were a member for years and no longer felt like an outsider, I would never be able to shake the feeling of inequity. (I tend to feel it in most aspects of my life, at least I have before.) I’m only 4 weeks into investigating the church now though, and I already feel as though I’m being included and part of the ward. The delightful flaws that I’ve seen in some members when allowed a closer look into their lives allows me to realize that maybe the flaws I know that I have aren’t sitting there on the surface for everyone else to see.
That’s an amazingly comforting thought in that I might be able to mend the broken aspects of myself behind the scenes, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. Remembering this has allowed me to remember to have faith not only in Our Heavenly Father, but in myself as well. Definitely something that is a huge asset going into finals.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Small but Significant
I watched a few Firesides last night and I really liked some of the messages.
Today at school I really wanted to have a burrito, but I remembered Elder Hales' words from the March 2009 Fireside about provident living and not buying things that we cannot afford. I can technically afford to buy myself a burrito for dinner now, but I also had food waiting for me at home. I was by no means starving, and I did have some fruit snacks with me, so instead I held off until I got home and didn't spend the money that could instead go to my credit card debt (which is slowly diminishing!).
I was very proud that I had the self control to think outside of the moment and remember that I didn't truly need that burrito. I'm having a slightly more difficult time with that tonight, as I am writing a blog and looking up information on future schooling rather than doing my homework, but I took a small step today.
Now that I've patted myself on the back about it, maybe I can do a better job of carrying this activity to the rest of my life and actually do some of that homework!
Today at school I really wanted to have a burrito, but I remembered Elder Hales' words from the March 2009 Fireside about provident living and not buying things that we cannot afford. I can technically afford to buy myself a burrito for dinner now, but I also had food waiting for me at home. I was by no means starving, and I did have some fruit snacks with me, so instead I held off until I got home and didn't spend the money that could instead go to my credit card debt (which is slowly diminishing!).
I was very proud that I had the self control to think outside of the moment and remember that I didn't truly need that burrito. I'm having a slightly more difficult time with that tonight, as I am writing a blog and looking up information on future schooling rather than doing my homework, but I took a small step today.
Now that I've patted myself on the back about it, maybe I can do a better job of carrying this activity to the rest of my life and actually do some of that homework!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Delighted Rambling
I’ve got a few pieces I’m currently working on to post here, but none that I’ve flushed out enough to really make them public at the moment, so instead you get a bit of rambling about the things that I’ve found in the River Park Ward in the past couple Sundays that I’m delighted over.
There is a gentleman with an amazing singing voice I’ve been lucky enough to sit near both times I’ve visited. Last week it was a little balanced by the lovely lady I was sitting with who was completely flat (though obviously just loving singing the hymns anyway) and today he didn’t seem as into it, but I still got a smile out of the operatic quality of this gentleman’s voice.
Back to that lovely lady I sat next to last week. Though she was not the best singer, she was more than enjoyable to sit next to, as she enjoyed sharing a few details with me, and then walked me to bible study before preparing her Relief Society lesson. She then made sure to include me in the activities in her lesson and made me feel more than welcome.
When I had visited my brother and sister-in-law’s church before Easter I ended up crying through the service because I felt that it was right to be attending service, but that the one I was in was not right for me. Every time I’ve gone to church since then I’ve walked out with tears in my eyes as well. The difference now is that they are entirely happy tears and I definitely feel as though I’m doing what is right for me.
Today there were some tears in church as well. I really enjoyed the members’ testimony this morning, especially with the things that I was able to learn about myself through the stories of others.
I once again felt welcomed as I was in bible study and a wonderful lady not only talked with me and made me feel included in the moment, but then also wrote down her phone number and email address for me to contact her if I ever needed anything.
I really can’t get over how caring and generous the people I’ve met in the church have been.
This Friday while out for swing dancing I met a great couple I look forward to getting to know better, and last night one of those new friends talked with me on Facebook for at least an hour. It feels really awesome to be finding people I can be making connections with and having them exceed any sort of expectation I could possibly have.
I’m disappointed that I can’t be in Relief Society right now because of a shift at work in 17 minutes (I should probably change into work clothes). The ladies there made me feel very included and I’d hoped to say hello to some of them again today. I took off as they were coming into the room instead of greeting them because I knew that I would take longer than I wanted to get ready for work. Let’s hope that next week my schedule will be free and there won’t be any church conflict!
There is a gentleman with an amazing singing voice I’ve been lucky enough to sit near both times I’ve visited. Last week it was a little balanced by the lovely lady I was sitting with who was completely flat (though obviously just loving singing the hymns anyway) and today he didn’t seem as into it, but I still got a smile out of the operatic quality of this gentleman’s voice.
Back to that lovely lady I sat next to last week. Though she was not the best singer, she was more than enjoyable to sit next to, as she enjoyed sharing a few details with me, and then walked me to bible study before preparing her Relief Society lesson. She then made sure to include me in the activities in her lesson and made me feel more than welcome.
When I had visited my brother and sister-in-law’s church before Easter I ended up crying through the service because I felt that it was right to be attending service, but that the one I was in was not right for me. Every time I’ve gone to church since then I’ve walked out with tears in my eyes as well. The difference now is that they are entirely happy tears and I definitely feel as though I’m doing what is right for me.
Today there were some tears in church as well. I really enjoyed the members’ testimony this morning, especially with the things that I was able to learn about myself through the stories of others.
I once again felt welcomed as I was in bible study and a wonderful lady not only talked with me and made me feel included in the moment, but then also wrote down her phone number and email address for me to contact her if I ever needed anything.
I really can’t get over how caring and generous the people I’ve met in the church have been.
This Friday while out for swing dancing I met a great couple I look forward to getting to know better, and last night one of those new friends talked with me on Facebook for at least an hour. It feels really awesome to be finding people I can be making connections with and having them exceed any sort of expectation I could possibly have.
I’m disappointed that I can’t be in Relief Society right now because of a shift at work in 17 minutes (I should probably change into work clothes). The ladies there made me feel very included and I’d hoped to say hello to some of them again today. I took off as they were coming into the room instead of greeting them because I knew that I would take longer than I wanted to get ready for work. Let’s hope that next week my schedule will be free and there won’t be any church conflict!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
