Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Communication is key.
Even without attending any sort of services, I have recently begun making sure to continue some sort of conversation with God. It is a really good feeling. I'm a little skeptical about what process I'm actually going through and whether maybe I'm just having a conversation with my own conscience, but either way I'm enjoying it, and I feel as though I'm growing, which I think is the important part.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Cross posted from my regular blog
I've been a little frustrated lately. By lots of things.
One of them being that I'm remembering how I was in a better place when I was going to church regularly and I would like to start going again when I can. I don't think that church itself is exactly what I'm looking for right now, but it certainly has elements of what I would like to bring back into my life.
I think part of what I was originally looking for when I started going to church in March was some sort of guidelines or rules to live by and give me some order. I learned a lot while I was going, and incorporated some things into my life that I've really liked. There were also some big things that I realized were not for me, which contributed in a big way to my recent lack of attendance. In realizing that I might like to go back, I also realized that I don't have to solely go by the rules prescribed by a church.
They may have a lot to offer, and they may work for a lot of people but at the same time they may simply not be right for me. Instead, I can make up my own rules!
What an awesome idea! If I want direction and structure, but I don't feel that I get that adequately from an outside source, why not create my own? A Katherine Code, if you will, which is really more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. I know that I've done something like this before, and I haven't kept up with it, but I don't think that my drive and motivation were the same then, and I didn't really follow through with putting it into some physical form. This time I'm going to make sure that happens.
I may share more about what kinds of rules and guidelines I'll be creating, but for now I'm just going to let it all marinate and get on with a busy day!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Not going.
I'm not going to church today. I had the day off of work, and I woke up before my alarm, but it just didn't feel right today.
So instead I'm focusing on figuring out just what I want and I'll go from there.
So instead I'm focusing on figuring out just what I want and I'll go from there.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Yay for church.
Seriously. I went today, and I can't believe that it was only one Sunday that I missed. I feel like I haven't been in ages. It felt really good to be there again.
I still want to take my time and really make sure that this is a move that I want to make, but it's really nice to feel that it's right, even if it's not happening right now. I hope that makes sense.
I talked to the missionaries today about holding off on the baptism for a while, but I think when I meet with them on Tuesday I'm going to have to be a little more insistent. At the end of the conversation there was again a date thrown out, and this date is two weeks away. Not the kind of time that I think I'm going to need. I need to somehow assure them that this is not in any way blowing them off. I just really don't want to make the kind of mistake here that I have in the past.
Elder Buhler keeps mentioning that if they don't believe that I'm ready, they aren't going to let me get baptized. The problem for me personally though, is that I've been very convinced of big changes that I wanted to make in my life before, and only realized later, when the honeymoon period wore off, that I was neglecting some aspect that made the change not exactly the best thing for me. Things like moving to Iowa. If I had been a little smarter going into that, I may not have come back so soon. Or maybe I wouldn't have gone at all. I don't really know, but I don't think that the frustration and anger that resulted from that move would have been there if I'd gone into the decision with my eyes a bit more open and paying attention to all the details.
Elder Buhler has also said that they have no doubt that I could be ready in such a short time, given our discussions so far and my church attendance, which made me feel about as good as my final grades this semester. (Maybe my brain does work better than I thought it did.) I like that they have faith in me, I hope that they will trust that taking the time is the right thing for me to do.
When I talk to my mother about this, I want to be clear in why I am doing this and leave her free of doubt. I don't know that I'll be able to do that right now. My brother was baptized a couple years ago into his then girlfriend's non-denominational church. I didn't understand it. And to be honest, for Scott, I still don't. But I think part of that is the way that he went about it. He just kind of announced it one day. When I decide that I'm sure, I want to invite my family and have them support me through this new aspect of my life. I understand why my mom has recently brought up my doubts with Scott's baptism, but I truly see a difference in the ways that he and I have chosen to approach this, which to me suggests that there may be very different motivations behind it as well. I don't mean that to discredit my brother exactly, he and I are very different people, but for the most part, before his baptism I could understand his motivations even if they did not coincide with my own.
I may have strayed from my initial message from this post.
Even though I have had doubts and want to take a step back to really be sure, church feels good and I'm really glad I went today.
I still want to take my time and really make sure that this is a move that I want to make, but it's really nice to feel that it's right, even if it's not happening right now. I hope that makes sense.
I talked to the missionaries today about holding off on the baptism for a while, but I think when I meet with them on Tuesday I'm going to have to be a little more insistent. At the end of the conversation there was again a date thrown out, and this date is two weeks away. Not the kind of time that I think I'm going to need. I need to somehow assure them that this is not in any way blowing them off. I just really don't want to make the kind of mistake here that I have in the past.
Elder Buhler keeps mentioning that if they don't believe that I'm ready, they aren't going to let me get baptized. The problem for me personally though, is that I've been very convinced of big changes that I wanted to make in my life before, and only realized later, when the honeymoon period wore off, that I was neglecting some aspect that made the change not exactly the best thing for me. Things like moving to Iowa. If I had been a little smarter going into that, I may not have come back so soon. Or maybe I wouldn't have gone at all. I don't really know, but I don't think that the frustration and anger that resulted from that move would have been there if I'd gone into the decision with my eyes a bit more open and paying attention to all the details.
Elder Buhler has also said that they have no doubt that I could be ready in such a short time, given our discussions so far and my church attendance, which made me feel about as good as my final grades this semester. (Maybe my brain does work better than I thought it did.) I like that they have faith in me, I hope that they will trust that taking the time is the right thing for me to do.
When I talk to my mother about this, I want to be clear in why I am doing this and leave her free of doubt. I don't know that I'll be able to do that right now. My brother was baptized a couple years ago into his then girlfriend's non-denominational church. I didn't understand it. And to be honest, for Scott, I still don't. But I think part of that is the way that he went about it. He just kind of announced it one day. When I decide that I'm sure, I want to invite my family and have them support me through this new aspect of my life. I understand why my mom has recently brought up my doubts with Scott's baptism, but I truly see a difference in the ways that he and I have chosen to approach this, which to me suggests that there may be very different motivations behind it as well. I don't mean that to discredit my brother exactly, he and I are very different people, but for the most part, before his baptism I could understand his motivations even if they did not coincide with my own.
I may have strayed from my initial message from this post.
Even though I have had doubts and want to take a step back to really be sure, church feels good and I'm really glad I went today.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Elaboration
My last post has been sticking with me a little bit.
I want to be clear with it that I'm still investigating, and I still intend to make some of the changes that I've recently adopted permanent aspects of my life. I'm just not so sure that baptism is the best road for me right now.
That doesn't mean that it won't be in the future. I hope to get to discuss this soon with some people I trust very much, one of whom I think will have a better perspective on all of this than anyone else I've talked to about it.
Life just wouldn't be life without a little bit of drama and hesitation, right?
I want to be clear with it that I'm still investigating, and I still intend to make some of the changes that I've recently adopted permanent aspects of my life. I'm just not so sure that baptism is the best road for me right now.
That doesn't mean that it won't be in the future. I hope to get to discuss this soon with some people I trust very much, one of whom I think will have a better perspective on all of this than anyone else I've talked to about it.
Life just wouldn't be life without a little bit of drama and hesitation, right?
Monday, May 25, 2009
Unsure
I didn't go to church today.
I had every intention of going, and even woke up when I was supposed to after getting home way too late the previous night. My throat felt like death when I woke up, probably from scream/talking over loud music for two nights in a row, but it didn't feel like that was the cause while laying in bed.
I got a call from Elder Buhler at 9:30 (why was he not in sacrament meeting?) wondering where I was, and I think he could tell by my voice that I was not just weaseling out of an early Sunday morning. I got a voicemail later asking when a good time to meet this week would be, and I think I'll find out my work schedule tomorrow and call them back.
Even while wanting to meet with the missionaries again, I'm starting to have bigger doubts about joining the church than I have before.
I will fully admit that one big draw of the church is the community and the feeling of being part of something. I'm starting to get that feeling in another aspect of my life though, and I'm loving the feeling. This other aspect is the dancing community of Sacramento. I feel very accepted into the group now that I'm getting invites to parties and the lesser known dance venues, and I'm making some pretty awesome friends in the process.
Just as I was typing that I realized that it's probably not any sort of coincidence that I'm feeling this sense of community outside of the church while investigating though. I started attending both swing dancing and church within just a week of each other, so I shouldn't be surprised that while I'm looking for a community to help support me I was brought to two pretty different ones.
Now that I've realized the timing with this sense of belonging, maybe I shouldn't be having these doubts.
I'm still going to take my time with investigating, because should I take that step, it's not one that I would ever want to try to take back. Kind of like marriage.
Feeling the acceptance of the Midtown Stomp crowd is actually a bit liberating in my involvement in the church. Like the need to be a part of that community isn't so great. So now I can participate in the church community as I want to, not as I feel I may need to, and focus more on the faith.
That's what this is supposed to be about, right?
I had every intention of going, and even woke up when I was supposed to after getting home way too late the previous night. My throat felt like death when I woke up, probably from scream/talking over loud music for two nights in a row, but it didn't feel like that was the cause while laying in bed.
I got a call from Elder Buhler at 9:30 (why was he not in sacrament meeting?) wondering where I was, and I think he could tell by my voice that I was not just weaseling out of an early Sunday morning. I got a voicemail later asking when a good time to meet this week would be, and I think I'll find out my work schedule tomorrow and call them back.
Even while wanting to meet with the missionaries again, I'm starting to have bigger doubts about joining the church than I have before.
I will fully admit that one big draw of the church is the community and the feeling of being part of something. I'm starting to get that feeling in another aspect of my life though, and I'm loving the feeling. This other aspect is the dancing community of Sacramento. I feel very accepted into the group now that I'm getting invites to parties and the lesser known dance venues, and I'm making some pretty awesome friends in the process.
Just as I was typing that I realized that it's probably not any sort of coincidence that I'm feeling this sense of community outside of the church while investigating though. I started attending both swing dancing and church within just a week of each other, so I shouldn't be surprised that while I'm looking for a community to help support me I was brought to two pretty different ones.
Now that I've realized the timing with this sense of belonging, maybe I shouldn't be having these doubts.
I'm still going to take my time with investigating, because should I take that step, it's not one that I would ever want to try to take back. Kind of like marriage.
Feeling the acceptance of the Midtown Stomp crowd is actually a bit liberating in my involvement in the church. Like the need to be a part of that community isn't so great. So now I can participate in the church community as I want to, not as I feel I may need to, and focus more on the faith.
That's what this is supposed to be about, right?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Ring Time!
No, not that kind of ring, though today after Relief Society someone did slip up when asking if I was going to be baptized and asked if I was getting married. After my breathing returned to normal I was able to relatively avoid her actual question. (Just not ready to really wrap my mind around that yet.)
I've been looking for a ring though. Something that for me would be the equivalent of a CTR ring, without actually being a CTR ring. I applaud those who wear something CTR and display it proudly, but for something like that I'd rather be a little more selective over the people who know what it means.
I really like handmade stuff, so I've been looking through Etsy for something simple. I'd like something that will go with everything, and that is relatively simple, though there are a few that I've been looking at that are more in the "fun" category than "simple."
I'm looking forward to picking my favorite, and then purchasing it with my paycheck next week!
I finally got a real question from the missionaries about getting baptized tonight. I'm really not ready to go there right now. It's not just school, I've got a lot going on in my head that I'm trying to sort out and I'm not sure that I want to really go into something like getting baptized while not entirely sure of some things.
Elder Buhler asked tonight if I'd felt The Spirit during the cottage meeting I attended, and I definitely did. He then spoke about how that feeling is really kind of the clincher in figuring things out. I'm not sure that I fully agree though. I definitely feel The Spirit at times, but that doesn't really mean that I'm so sure of this being the right path for me. Or even that I'm totally sure that The Book of Mormon is Another Testament of Jesus Christ.
Right now I think that those things are true, but I'm not yet at a point that I know or fully believe that they are. So I want to take more time with this. Especially since I haven't even really told my family about my plans. I know that I'll be facing some level of opposition there, and I need to handle that before being ready.
I also have a few certain friends whom I would like to be there if I do decide to get baptized, and I don't know if that's really a realistic thing to want. So I need to have a better understanding of what this all means to me without the friends involved before I cross that line.
This was supposed to be a lot more up-beat than I feel it has turned out! So just focus on the pretty rings!
I've been looking for a ring though. Something that for me would be the equivalent of a CTR ring, without actually being a CTR ring. I applaud those who wear something CTR and display it proudly, but for something like that I'd rather be a little more selective over the people who know what it means.
I really like handmade stuff, so I've been looking through Etsy for something simple. I'd like something that will go with everything, and that is relatively simple, though there are a few that I've been looking at that are more in the "fun" category than "simple."
I'm looking forward to picking my favorite, and then purchasing it with my paycheck next week!
I finally got a real question from the missionaries about getting baptized tonight. I'm really not ready to go there right now. It's not just school, I've got a lot going on in my head that I'm trying to sort out and I'm not sure that I want to really go into something like getting baptized while not entirely sure of some things.
Elder Buhler asked tonight if I'd felt The Spirit during the cottage meeting I attended, and I definitely did. He then spoke about how that feeling is really kind of the clincher in figuring things out. I'm not sure that I fully agree though. I definitely feel The Spirit at times, but that doesn't really mean that I'm so sure of this being the right path for me. Or even that I'm totally sure that The Book of Mormon is Another Testament of Jesus Christ.
Right now I think that those things are true, but I'm not yet at a point that I know or fully believe that they are. So I want to take more time with this. Especially since I haven't even really told my family about my plans. I know that I'll be facing some level of opposition there, and I need to handle that before being ready.
I also have a few certain friends whom I would like to be there if I do decide to get baptized, and I don't know if that's really a realistic thing to want. So I need to have a better understanding of what this all means to me without the friends involved before I cross that line.
This was supposed to be a lot more up-beat than I feel it has turned out! So just focus on the pretty rings!
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