Yay for church.

Seriously. I went today, and I can't believe that it was only one Sunday that I missed. I feel like I haven't been in ages. It felt really good to be there again.

I still want to take my time and really make sure that this is a move that I want to make, but it's really nice to feel that it's right, even if it's not happening right now. I hope that makes sense.

I talked to the missionaries today about holding off on the baptism for a while, but I think when I meet with them on Tuesday I'm going to have to be a little more insistent. At the end of the conversation there was again a date thrown out, and this date is two weeks away. Not the kind of time that I think I'm going to need. I need to somehow assure them that this is not in any way blowing them off. I just really don't want to make the kind of mistake here that I have in the past.

Elder Buhler keeps mentioning that if they don't believe that I'm ready, they aren't going to let me get baptized. The problem for me personally though, is that I've been very convinced of big changes that I wanted to make in my life before, and only realized later, when the honeymoon period wore off, that I was neglecting some aspect that made the change not exactly the best thing for me. Things like moving to Iowa. If I had been a little smarter going into that, I may not have come back so soon. Or maybe I wouldn't have gone at all. I don't really know, but I don't think that the frustration and anger that resulted from that move would have been there if I'd gone into the decision with my eyes a bit more open and paying attention to all the details.

Elder Buhler has also said that they have no doubt that I could be ready in such a short time, given our discussions so far and my church attendance, which made me feel about as good as my final grades this semester. (Maybe my brain does work better than I thought it did.) I like that they have faith in me, I hope that they will trust that taking the time is the right thing for me to do.

When I talk to my mother about this, I want to be clear in why I am doing this and leave her free of doubt. I don't know that I'll be able to do that right now. My brother was baptized a couple years ago into his then girlfriend's non-denominational church. I didn't understand it. And to be honest, for Scott, I still don't. But I think part of that is the way that he went about it. He just kind of announced it one day. When I decide that I'm sure, I want to invite my family and have them support me through this new aspect of my life. I understand why my mom has recently brought up my doubts with Scott's baptism, but I truly see a difference in the ways that he and I have chosen to approach this, which to me suggests that there may be very different motivations behind it as well. I don't mean that to discredit my brother exactly, he and I are very different people, but for the most part, before his baptism I could understand his motivations even if they did not coincide with my own.

I may have strayed from my initial message from this post.

Even though I have had doubts and want to take a step back to really be sure, church feels good and I'm really glad I went today.

Unsure

I didn't go to church today.

I had every intention of going, and even woke up when I was supposed to after getting home way too late the previous night. My throat felt like death when I woke up, probably from scream/talking over loud music for two nights in a row, but it didn't feel like that was the cause while laying in bed.

I got a call from Elder Buhler at 9:30 (why was he not in sacrament meeting?) wondering where I was, and I think he could tell by my voice that I was not just weaseling out of an early Sunday morning. I got a voicemail later asking when a good time to meet this week would be, and I think I'll find out my work schedule tomorrow and call them back.

Even while wanting to meet with the missionaries again, I'm starting to have bigger doubts about joining the church than I have before.

I will fully admit that one big draw of the church is the community and the feeling of being part of something. I'm starting to get that feeling in another aspect of my life though, and I'm loving the feeling. This other aspect is the dancing community of Sacramento. I feel very accepted into the group now that I'm getting invites to parties and the lesser known dance venues, and I'm making some pretty awesome friends in the process.

Just as I was typing that I realized that it's probably not any sort of coincidence that I'm feeling this sense of community outside of the church while investigating though. I started attending both swing dancing and church within just a week of each other, so I shouldn't be surprised that while I'm looking for a community to help support me I was brought to two pretty different ones.

Now that I've realized the timing with this sense of belonging, maybe I shouldn't be having these doubts.

I'm still going to take my time with investigating, because should I take that step, it's not one that I would ever want to try to take back. Kind of like marriage.

Feeling the acceptance of the Midtown Stomp crowd is actually a bit liberating in my involvement in the church. Like the need to be a part of that community isn't so great. So now I can participate in the church community as I want to, not as I feel I may need to, and focus more on the faith.

That's what this is supposed to be about, right?