Cross posted from my regular blog

I've been a little frustrated lately. By lots of things.

One of them being that I'm remembering how I was in a better place when I was going to church regularly and I would like to start going again when I can. I don't think that church itself is exactly what I'm looking for right now, but it certainly has elements of what I would like to bring back into my life.

I think part of what I was originally looking for when I started going to church in March was some sort of guidelines or rules to live by and give me some order. I learned a lot while I was going, and incorporated some things into my life that I've really liked. There were also some big things that I realized were not for me, which contributed in a big way to my recent lack of attendance. In realizing that I might like to go back, I also realized that I don't have to solely go by the rules prescribed by a church.

They may have a lot to offer, and they may work for a lot of people but at the same time they may simply not be right for me. Instead, I can make up my own rules!

What an awesome idea! If I want direction and structure, but I don't feel that I get that adequately from an outside source, why not create my own? A Katherine Code, if you will, which is really more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. I know that I've done something like this before, and I haven't kept up with it, but I don't think that my drive and motivation were the same then, and I didn't really follow through with putting it into some physical form. This time I'm going to make sure that happens.

I may share more about what kinds of rules and guidelines I'll be creating, but for now I'm just going to let it all marinate and get on with a busy day!

Yay for church.

Seriously. I went today, and I can't believe that it was only one Sunday that I missed. I feel like I haven't been in ages. It felt really good to be there again.

I still want to take my time and really make sure that this is a move that I want to make, but it's really nice to feel that it's right, even if it's not happening right now. I hope that makes sense.

I talked to the missionaries today about holding off on the baptism for a while, but I think when I meet with them on Tuesday I'm going to have to be a little more insistent. At the end of the conversation there was again a date thrown out, and this date is two weeks away. Not the kind of time that I think I'm going to need. I need to somehow assure them that this is not in any way blowing them off. I just really don't want to make the kind of mistake here that I have in the past.

Elder Buhler keeps mentioning that if they don't believe that I'm ready, they aren't going to let me get baptized. The problem for me personally though, is that I've been very convinced of big changes that I wanted to make in my life before, and only realized later, when the honeymoon period wore off, that I was neglecting some aspect that made the change not exactly the best thing for me. Things like moving to Iowa. If I had been a little smarter going into that, I may not have come back so soon. Or maybe I wouldn't have gone at all. I don't really know, but I don't think that the frustration and anger that resulted from that move would have been there if I'd gone into the decision with my eyes a bit more open and paying attention to all the details.

Elder Buhler has also said that they have no doubt that I could be ready in such a short time, given our discussions so far and my church attendance, which made me feel about as good as my final grades this semester. (Maybe my brain does work better than I thought it did.) I like that they have faith in me, I hope that they will trust that taking the time is the right thing for me to do.

When I talk to my mother about this, I want to be clear in why I am doing this and leave her free of doubt. I don't know that I'll be able to do that right now. My brother was baptized a couple years ago into his then girlfriend's non-denominational church. I didn't understand it. And to be honest, for Scott, I still don't. But I think part of that is the way that he went about it. He just kind of announced it one day. When I decide that I'm sure, I want to invite my family and have them support me through this new aspect of my life. I understand why my mom has recently brought up my doubts with Scott's baptism, but I truly see a difference in the ways that he and I have chosen to approach this, which to me suggests that there may be very different motivations behind it as well. I don't mean that to discredit my brother exactly, he and I are very different people, but for the most part, before his baptism I could understand his motivations even if they did not coincide with my own.

I may have strayed from my initial message from this post.

Even though I have had doubts and want to take a step back to really be sure, church feels good and I'm really glad I went today.

Unsure

I didn't go to church today.

I had every intention of going, and even woke up when I was supposed to after getting home way too late the previous night. My throat felt like death when I woke up, probably from scream/talking over loud music for two nights in a row, but it didn't feel like that was the cause while laying in bed.

I got a call from Elder Buhler at 9:30 (why was he not in sacrament meeting?) wondering where I was, and I think he could tell by my voice that I was not just weaseling out of an early Sunday morning. I got a voicemail later asking when a good time to meet this week would be, and I think I'll find out my work schedule tomorrow and call them back.

Even while wanting to meet with the missionaries again, I'm starting to have bigger doubts about joining the church than I have before.

I will fully admit that one big draw of the church is the community and the feeling of being part of something. I'm starting to get that feeling in another aspect of my life though, and I'm loving the feeling. This other aspect is the dancing community of Sacramento. I feel very accepted into the group now that I'm getting invites to parties and the lesser known dance venues, and I'm making some pretty awesome friends in the process.

Just as I was typing that I realized that it's probably not any sort of coincidence that I'm feeling this sense of community outside of the church while investigating though. I started attending both swing dancing and church within just a week of each other, so I shouldn't be surprised that while I'm looking for a community to help support me I was brought to two pretty different ones.

Now that I've realized the timing with this sense of belonging, maybe I shouldn't be having these doubts.

I'm still going to take my time with investigating, because should I take that step, it's not one that I would ever want to try to take back. Kind of like marriage.

Feeling the acceptance of the Midtown Stomp crowd is actually a bit liberating in my involvement in the church. Like the need to be a part of that community isn't so great. So now I can participate in the church community as I want to, not as I feel I may need to, and focus more on the faith.

That's what this is supposed to be about, right?

Delightfully Flawed

One thing that has always struck me about members of the LDS church is what great examples and role models they are. Some of the people I most looked up to and was intimidated by in high school, including one I always wanted to date but I was definitely not good enough for him then, are members. I think that the image of members being better people is a common view among non-members, though sometimes it is seen as a note of arrogance held by the member. Adhering to a set of values that is relatively public is a difficult thing to do. When someone who doesn’t follow the same path sees a slip, they may relish in this small way to knock someone off of a pedestal, no matter who put them there.

In getting to know more members during the past month, I’ve really enjoyed having the intimidation scaled back a little. I still believe that as a whole, church members are some of the most amazing people to walk this earth. I mean, with great examples like Nicole and Bre (old post, but I really love the picture of Bre) how could anyone not be impressed? One thing that I’ve noticed though, is how delightfully imperfect a lot of members are as well.

From wonderfully cluttered homes to often being late or going over on time, it’s so amazing to see the exceptions within their perfection.

I don’t mean that to be negative in any way, I see it as far more than a positive actually. These qualities take away the intimidation, but still leave the awe. Being amazed, but no longer intimidated makes me feel like I could actually do this as well. Before I’d thought that even if I were a member for years and no longer felt like an outsider, I would never be able to shake the feeling of inequity. (I tend to feel it in most aspects of my life, at least I have before.) I’m only 4 weeks into investigating the church now though, and I already feel as though I’m being included and part of the ward. The delightful flaws that I’ve seen in some members when allowed a closer look into their lives allows me to realize that maybe the flaws I know that I have aren’t sitting there on the surface for everyone else to see.

That’s an amazingly comforting thought in that I might be able to mend the broken aspects of myself behind the scenes, without feeling vulnerable and exposed. Remembering this has allowed me to remember to have faith not only in Our Heavenly Father, but in myself as well. Definitely something that is a huge asset going into finals.

Trust

Sometimes I get into weird funks in which I just feel blah. To the point of not even wanting to write on any of the half dozen or so blog topics that always seem to be circulating in my mind. This moment is one of those times. I can think of nothing that I would like to do other than go to bed. Where I able to go to bed right now I don't believe that I would, but since I cannot, it is still an attractive option.

If I were at home right now, or even just if I had the book with me I would read more in Gospel Principles. Reading at least one section each night has become part of my nightly routine. While I will admit that I'm not always totally gung-ho and excited in the moment, I am very much enjoying learning more about the LDS church and how I may or may not fit into the community. I'm still not sure if this is something that will be a lasting change or more of a phase of self-discovery.

It's very difficult to me that some of the people I'd always considered to be my closest friends are not people who would welcome discussion of this new aspect of my life, but this frustration has spurred me to turn to others for their input. Friends who may or may not have been considered close in the past, but whatever level was previously held, we've fallen out of contact. I'm really glad that I've turned to these friends again (or for the first time for some). I've not only found the support I was hoping for (and so much more) but I've also learned a whole lot about myself.

I've never been one to ask for help or admit to a weakness to anyone but those I trust completely, or a complete stranger, yet I've found it in me to ask these friends for their support. At times replies come later than I'd hoped (because my expectations are a bit too high) which does its own good for me in figuring things out on my own a bit before completely attaching to the wisdom of the email reply. I have yet to be disappointed by those I've turned to, for which I feel truly lucky. Each time I've heard back I know that my friend has written from their heart and their sharing gives me great comfort in my investigation of the church. The way that they are able to discuss the topic freely allows me to feel that I may be able to have that the same trust and clarity I see in their words. Until I am able to find that trust for myself, I take great comfort in seeing it in these people I'm able to call friends.

I will use my trust in them to bridge me over to a trust in Him.